The Delicate Dance Of Saying No
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Historically, the word no seems to have gotten a bad rap. When looking up the dictionary definition, it is described as ‘a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request’. And in a world of positive affirmations and grabbing life by the balls, it can sometimes feel like the word no is not good for us.
In the movie ‘Yes Man’ the protagonist is able to get out of his comfort zone by saying yes to everything (and, of course, is able to score the girl in the process). The YouTube creators “Yes Theory” have built a worldwide following all based on the premise of saying “yes”. The idea is that when we say yes to more things, we are opening ourselves up to more experiences and our lives may feel richer.
But there is a Ying to every Yang. Let’s jump back to 2015. I was studying my Bachelor’s Degree, living off a mixture of government support and my casual wage at a Nursing Home. My partner and I were barely making ends meet and were living in a rental house that was falling apart and was filled to the brim with mould.
I was doing my best to manage it all along with some persistent health conditions that were exasperated by living in a mouldy home. At the time it felt like I barely had a spare moment to sit down let alone add anything else to my plate. And my biggest hurdle at the time, was the fact that I was a giant people pleaser and I didn’t know how to say no.
Let me reiterate, I did know how to say no, it just made me feel so ill and so guilty, that it ate me up alive and made it an impossibility for me. I truly felt in my bones, that other people’s feelings were my responsibility and if I said no to something and they were upset, that I was the worst person in the world. So, instead of resting or catching up on my studies in my spare moments, I went to every social event I was asked to and dutifully played my part as a good daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, friend, and girlfriend.
As you could imagine, it didn’t take long for my body to completely give out. I started having severe panic attacks that would last all day and all night for weeks (if not months) at a time. Even though in my soul, I didn’t want to say no to anyone, it was the first time I was really forced to.
During this period, it seemed like the right time to start seeing a therapist and we would often discuss why I felt like I wasn’t able to say no when there were too many things on my plate. I said that I didn’t want to let anyone down and I didn’t want anyone to be angry or upset with me. We discussed how that I’m not able to control other’s emotions and that in trying to do that, I am actually been manipulative.
I was shaky at first but I slowly starting saying no to more and more things. And there was a lot of backlash. I had to really get comfortable with sitting with other people’s emotions while knowing that they weren’t my own or my responsibility and how people felt about me, really wasn’t any of my business. What I came to realise and believe is that it’s impossible to please everybody and my job first and foremost is take care of myself.
Furthermore, that if I was to say no, nobody was going to die. And it is perfectly okay if someone feels disappointed but adults are more than capable of feeling disappointment and dealing with that emotion. I wish I could say that I became a professional overnight but it took a few more years and another significant health event for me to really get to the point where I was really comfortable with it.
And funnily enough, I found myself becoming a better daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, friend and girlfriend because I wasn’t so burned out all the time. Instead of cancelling things at the last minute, I found myself simply saying no in the first place. And for the first time in my life, I actually had spare time to do the things that I loved.
Saying no to things that sound fun
One of the reasons I found myself struggling to say no was because I had serious FOMO. If I saw people catching up on social media without me, I would feel sick to my stomach. Even if I was doing something with someone else, I would still feel these intense emotions if I missed out on something. I had to learn to sit with these feelings and start to switch my experience to JOMO, the joy of missing out.
For instance, I would focus on how relaxed and rested I felt staying in on a Friday night and watching a movie rather than going out drinking. But where I found myself struggling was when I was asked to do things that seemed really fun. For example, maybe someone would want to catch up for a cup of coffee.
While that would seem like something in my wheelhouse, there were times where I had already done several things in one weekend and adding another thing would mean that I wouldn’t have time to do my grocery shipping, or clean my home, or complete my studies. What I found helpful was thinking about what the repercussions would be if I said yes to something.
Even if it was something that I would enjoy, if it meant I was going to be burned out or ill prepared for the next week ahead or if some other area of my life was going to swing out of balance, then I would say no. But I did come to realise that I was also able to say ‘no, but’. While saying no by itself is perfectly fine, sometimes saying ‘no, but’ really helped me because I was able to offer something else that I could do.
For instance, “I’m not available today to catch up for a coffee, but I can do Thursday between 12 and 5pm.” And, of course, sometimes this wouldn’t work with the others person’s schedule but more often than not I am able to still enjoy a social interaction but just in a way that works for me too.
How to know if you’re saying no too often
In the early days of experiencing severe anxiety, I would often ask my therapist how I was to know if I was saying no to something because I wanted to or if because I was anxious. And he said that if I was saying no to several things in a row, that could be an indicator that I was withdrawing. So, I came up with a personal rule that if I was to say no to five things in a row, that I would need to flag that and access the situation. Nowadays, I also keep a little memo on my phone with the dates that I last saw someone which allows me to say no to someone I have seen a few times recently, and to say yes to someone who I haven’t seen for a while.
While it is unrealistic to achieve the perfect balance (for instance you just tend to see people more often who live closer to you or that you work with) these little rules have helped me overall. I also have other personal rules like I tend to say no to things that involve alcohol (as part of my sobriety journey) and avoid going out on a Friday night because I am exhausted by the end of the work week. Or if I have driven to see someone, the next time we catch up, I will encourage them to come to me.
Now, I don’t want to portray the picture that saying no is entirely comfortable for me, because it isn’t. I still get hot in the face, I still overthink and get butterflies, and I still feel extremely uncomfortable if people are upset. But I often think about 80-year me and I want her to be able to look back on a life that was lived purposely and authentically.
I don’t want to spend my years rushing around from place to place, doing what others want 100% of the time, and never really feeling like I got to live. I am understanding that no is a full sentence and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone but me. And I am now able to notice the signs of burnout and am more than willing to take things off my plate when needed and to make sure that I’m not mindlessly filling up my calendar to the point I am overwhelmed.
And best of all, through saying no more often, I have created free space to say yes to the things that really bring me joy! Like spending my weekends roaming around and exploring with G!
What do you think about saying no? Do you feel comfortable with it or do you find it hard? Can you struggle to find the balance between saying no and saying yes? Let me know in the comments below, I would love to hear xo.
